Dear Father Christmas ...

Please see disclaimer at the end...

Dear Father Christmas,

I thought I'd write to you in the hope that I may prevent you from obtaining gifts and, or your elves (if you actually have such creatures) from making gifts that all I'm going to do with is (a) try and fit in my milk/rusk hole or (b) bang about in a very sporadic and un-rhythmical manner.

All I want for Christmas are a few items that for some reason are always pushed away from me, taken straight out of my hands or put just out of my reach.

If you really are real (and I actually have my doubts about your authenticity given that I saw three very different versions of you in the same day), but if you really can consume a squillian mince pies in just one night, you'll certainly be able to obtain for me at least one of the items on the following list:

1. This suspiciously buttoned device. Seriously, I must touch this, I must.... I must.

2. This shiny neck string which is worn everyday by The Mummy. If she doesn't want me to wrench it from her, why on earth does she wear it every day! Every day I tell you!

3. Some of this flimsy dry substance. Surely there is enough of it!!! I see it everywhere god damn it and all I want to do is screw it up & eat it. (Perhaps I should promote this item to number 1. On second thoughts perhaps not, as there are ample amounts of this around the house and I will surely get my hands on it at some point).

4. These wonderful eye rings. In fact... I want everyone's eye rings, but please note the Mummy's eye rings are the most wonderful. I see her and I want them... I try to grab....she says 'No' in her very unconvincing and serious voice... I then laugh at her... she swallows her laugh... it's a vicious but slightly amusing circle. Sorry I digress... please let me have these.

5. To touch this fur lined, incredibly life like and free willed item. I love her so much, but she won't come near me. Today she exited the house through a very little door and I was so upset that she left me - I made this known (see the Mummy's pic of my reaction HERE).

Finally, this is my first ever Christmas experience and so, Father Christmas, it's your one and only chance to prove your existence to me by obtaining one of the above. I do not suffer fools gladly (even if my suffering is often short lived & forgotten upon witnessing something else of interest).

I await the proof,

Arthur 

P.S If indeed you do exist, who will be Father Christmas/Santa after you expire? If required, one can commence training anon!

HUGE DISCLAIMER - Before you come down on the Mummy too hard, please note that I wrote most of this post a few weeks ago, planning on publishing it the week before Christmas.  Then I shelved it after seeing a similar one on a very followed blog...Criticise me all you want, but I wrote this before I saw the other one with the same idea and so i've just bitten the bullet and posted it.

How you Doin' ....

I have had an inkling for a while and last weekend, this hunch was confirmed...

I am a total 'babe'* magnet! 

I can't help this and do you know what, it does have its drawbacks. Firstly, I thought my voice was high pitched, however, in comparison to a pack of excitable 'babes', I sound like Frank Bruno.

Secondly, these 'babes' clutch me close to their chest which whilst very cosy, is often accompanied by an overwhelmingly strong and sickly sweet odour - Yuck!

I do, however, think that I can put up with these drawbacks for a little longer.

So long, Arthur

*Please note that a 'Babe' is an aesthetically pleasing big person of the female variety.  I have heard this word spoken by the Daddy and on the loud, colourful square which the Parents stare at regularly.

A Realisation

Realisation has flooded my mind. I am given the same white milky sustenance every day....AND NOTHING ELSE. The big people, however, consume a variety of nice colours and shapes. Why is this so? 

I have started to watch the Mummy's eating actions carefully and I think that I may be missing out. I shall observe for a little longer, and if I decide that I am definitely missing out, I shall make this known.

 

Arthur

My first love

Oh to be in love. Until now, I never knew I could feel a connection like this. 

Sophie La Giraffe is her name - she's so pretty and she doesn't mind when I bite her, in fact, I think she likes it as she squeaks jovially. I particularly love her feet, and what's so amazing is that she has 4 of them!

I shall never love another.

Arthur

I don't know what everyone is smiling about...

The big people continue to fascinate me...the exterior space has become uncomfortably warm and bright; previously much loved cuddles have now become sticky and stifling. And yet the big people are actually happier and smilier than usual. Why? Why? I much prefer the fluffy white exterior ceiling over the bright blue one. 

I think The Mummy finally realised how uncomfortable I was as she removed all of my clothes, including my disposable under garment. Hurrah!!! It was so pleasant to get some much needed air on to that region of myself. I gave her a genuine but brief smile to indicate my approval and told her that on no account should she re-clothe me. Her communicative skills must be improving as she understood my command.

Arthur

The very, very, very big bath!

Last Friday, the Mummy put me in a very, very, very large bath. It was so enormous that her, other babies and other big people also got in it with me. Unlike the usual bath time, when I'm in a free unclothed state, the Mummy put me in some shorts! Don't understand this one bit.

Once we were in, very odd behaviour commenced - we pranced around in a circle and I was dipped in and out of the very, very, very large bath.

I was extremely worried that the Mummy might let go of me and so I tried my hardest not to smile at her, I didn't want her concentration to lapse whilst she cooed over my gorgeousness. At one point though, I couldn't help myself - she started being very silly indeed, blowing bubbles in the water to some jolly tune. I was very amused and so momentarily forgot that I was in the vast bath. 

On two occasions, I was lowered under the water. My goodness me, what a shock to be surrounded by the wet stuff. I have no idea why the Mummy did this to me and I'm not sure yet whether or not it was fun!

Until next time,

Arthur

I must have been on form today

Today I must have been on incredible form as I received an unprecedented amount of attention, smiles, cooing and laughing from random big people that I've never even met before.

Hurrah me!!

Arthur

The most alarming room I have yet looked upon

The more I see, the more I realise how strange the big people are. I don't know why, but they enter uncomfortable situations willingly.

Today, the Mummy took me into the most alarming room I have yet looked upon. There were two other big people present, dressed in scary robes, tending to numerous metal and plastic contraptions that surrounded a reclining seat.

To my amazement, the Mummy happily mounted the seat whilst merrily babbling to the robed ones in big people language. I tried to warn her about the apparent danger, but she looked at me obliviously and smiled.

I still cannot believe what I saw next - the robed ones inserted weapon like devices into her drinking hole. After a while of observing this, I couldn't take anymore - what if they were going to do this to me? I decided that I better speak up and let them know in no uncertain terms that I would not let this happen.

My outburst was successful and I think it even helped expedite the horrific procedure that the Mummy was undergoing. I expected her to show the robed ones her angry face, but she didn't. She arose contentedly & we left.

This has led me to two possible conclusions - either the big ones enjoy such antics, or that one of the devices inserted into her, inhibits the ability to remember.

Arthur

My First Family Party

Yesterday, the Mummy took me to a somewhat strange gathering of the big people. Collectively, they are apparently called Family. Am I really going to have to endure a life time of these?

I like the wrinkled up ones with large noses and so smile at them the most. They all adored me, of course. I'm not entirely sure that they all like each other though.

They chose to have this congregation in a white and flimsy makeshift room in the green space outside. The reasons for this are beyond me. It wasn't particularly satisfactory - cold, noisy and very wobbly due to the outside blowyness. I made my feelings of this known.

The best thing about the gathering was that it was a perfect opportunity for me to be cuddled for most of the day. There is only so much of looking directly up that I can take! I only had to make a little whimper and the Mummy would scoop me up. It did, however, all get a bit tiresome - being passed around and being made to pose for photos. 

Again, I made this known and I was glad to get home to some peace & quiet at the end of the day.

Arthur

Hello earthlings

Hello big people, I'm Arthur and at the moment I mostly like to sleep and drink the white stuff.

I was going to start this journal last week, but I had a terrible time of it. The Mummy, who is usually my favourite, deceived me. She took me to see a big person of the lady sort. She at first seemed nice enough, but turned out to be the worst big person I have come across to date. She stabbed me twice!!! Once in each leg. It hurt a lot and I did not feel myself again until two lots of outside darkness had passed.

I'm ok now though and so have begun the journal of my time here. 

Arthur