Dear Father Christmas ...

Please see disclaimer at the end...

Dear Father Christmas,

I thought I'd write to you in the hope that I may prevent you from obtaining gifts and, or your elves (if you actually have such creatures) from making gifts that all I'm going to do with is (a) try and fit in my milk/rusk hole or (b) bang about in a very sporadic and un-rhythmical manner.

All I want for Christmas are a few items that for some reason are always pushed away from me, taken straight out of my hands or put just out of my reach.

If you really are real (and I actually have my doubts about your authenticity given that I saw three very different versions of you in the same day), but if you really can consume a squillian mince pies in just one night, you'll certainly be able to obtain for me at least one of the items on the following list:

1. This suspiciously buttoned device. Seriously, I must touch this, I must.... I must.

2. This shiny neck string which is worn everyday by The Mummy. If she doesn't want me to wrench it from her, why on earth does she wear it every day! Every day I tell you!

3. Some of this flimsy dry substance. Surely there is enough of it!!! I see it everywhere god damn it and all I want to do is screw it up & eat it. (Perhaps I should promote this item to number 1. On second thoughts perhaps not, as there are ample amounts of this around the house and I will surely get my hands on it at some point).

4. These wonderful eye rings. In fact... I want everyone's eye rings, but please note the Mummy's eye rings are the most wonderful. I see her and I want them... I try to grab....she says 'No' in her very unconvincing and serious voice... I then laugh at her... she swallows her laugh... it's a vicious but slightly amusing circle. Sorry I digress... please let me have these.

5. To touch this fur lined, incredibly life like and free willed item. I love her so much, but she won't come near me. Today she exited the house through a very little door and I was so upset that she left me - I made this known (see the Mummy's pic of my reaction HERE).

Finally, this is my first ever Christmas experience and so, Father Christmas, it's your one and only chance to prove your existence to me by obtaining one of the above. I do not suffer fools gladly (even if my suffering is often short lived & forgotten upon witnessing something else of interest).

I await the proof,

Arthur 

P.S If indeed you do exist, who will be Father Christmas/Santa after you expire? If required, one can commence training anon!

HUGE DISCLAIMER - Before you come down on the Mummy too hard, please note that I wrote most of this post a few weeks ago, planning on publishing it the week before Christmas.  Then I shelved it after seeing a similar one on a very followed blog...Criticise me all you want, but I wrote this before I saw the other one with the same idea and so i've just bitten the bullet and posted it.

How you Doin' ....

I have had an inkling for a while and last weekend, this hunch was confirmed...

I am a total 'babe'* magnet! 

I can't help this and do you know what, it does have its drawbacks. Firstly, I thought my voice was high pitched, however, in comparison to a pack of excitable 'babes', I sound like Frank Bruno.

Secondly, these 'babes' clutch me close to their chest which whilst very cosy, is often accompanied by an overwhelmingly strong and sickly sweet odour - Yuck!

I do, however, think that I can put up with these drawbacks for a little longer.

So long, Arthur

*Please note that a 'Babe' is an aesthetically pleasing big person of the female variety.  I have heard this word spoken by the Daddy and on the loud, colourful square which the Parents stare at regularly.

A Realisation

Realisation has flooded my mind. I am given the same white milky sustenance every day....AND NOTHING ELSE. The big people, however, consume a variety of nice colours and shapes. Why is this so? 

I have started to watch the Mummy's eating actions carefully and I think that I may be missing out. I shall observe for a little longer, and if I decide that I am definitely missing out, I shall make this known.

 

Arthur